Category: Behind the Scenes (page 3 of 6)

I have a limited knowledge of art but one painting I know is Edward Hopper’s Nighthawks. You’ll recognise it when you see it.

Okay, welcome back after googling it. Not that long ago, I felt like I was in that painting. Same, gloomy vibe. I was in the restaurant of my hotel for dinner. Reading my stock investing magazine (that’s what you do when you’re away for work, right?), minding my own business when I suddenly became aware of my surroundings. Some muffled conversations in the background, a guy diligently working on his laptop, the television broadcasting the world’s dire situation, the sky dark and rainy outside. It felt like doomsday was coming. It was surreal.

In these moments, you realise how fragile and absurd life is. We love to make plans and dreams for the future. We’re the architects of our lives. The social engineers of our leisure time. But it can all collapse in a blink. And sometimes it’s good to realise that.

When you’re rushing from one event to another gathering. Flying from one continent to another part of the world. From one partner to another side piece. You’re not asking questions. You’re just doing and going in full throttle. There’s a never-ending hunt for new stimuli, new experiences and new people. Where’s the external validation? Give me that dopamine shot. Tears roll down from your face when you heary your highly expected plans are no more. Shit, I can’t miss out. 

Then you break a leg or some pandemic virus hits you. What else is there? What is at home? To be honest, nothing. And that, my naughty audience, that’s exactly what makes it so valuable.  If you’re in your pink jammies staring out of the window, craving those gluten-free binge eating sessions or those deep chats over coffee with Mr./Mrs.Jalapeño, then you know that’s really important to you. If you’re on the couch patting your tummy and wish you had someone who could motivate you to work out, perhaps that could be an indication of a quality you value in a partner. Paradoxically, staying home gets you faster to your destination.

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Taking public transport is often an experience. The metro arrives. I queue like a real British gentleman while observing a real Chanel No. 5-wearing woman rushing into the wagon like a SWAT team. She crushes two other passengers and a bag of groceries, and receives dirty looks as reward. I walk in like I have a lot swag. The wagon seems quite full but I whisper “I have Corona” to no one and cough two times in the air for extra effect. A spot magically frees up. I settle down in my uncomfy seat. For seven stops, my body sways side-to-side on the rhythm of the tracks. I perform mental labour in an attempt to understand the meaning of life while people come and go. I also wonder if the accordion guy ever gets tired of playing The Godfather theme song.

Fast forward to an early morning after a night out on the metro platform. Sure, there’s a faster way home but I refuse to participate in capitalistic acts of private transportation or the sharing economy (okay, I’m just cheap). The metro arrives and I walk in like someone who did 40.000 steps. My legs move on automatic pilot to a seat. In front of me is a girl who briefly opens her eyes to check the environment before snoozing in again. Sleeping beauty. Red lipstick, hair stiff with hairspray and a glittering top, looks like a party outfit to me. I looked at her shoes. They were so clean whereas mine looked like a painting of Jackson Pollock. Dancefloors around these hours were supposed to be dirty. Where has she been? Maybe she had a one-night-stand, who knows.

My stop was approaching and only a few stops before the end of the line. Should I wake her up, do I mind my own business? I decided to wake her up. She looks up and recognises the metro station. A famous French curse word loudly escapes her mouth. But she thanks me for waking her up and says she’s amazed I did that. We share some small talk while we get out of the metro and part ways. Pretty anticlimactic right? The setting was almost perfect. Just the two of us, no one judging us, she having a slight positive attitude towards me. We could have had a little moment together. Alas, you need to know how to handle these kind of situations, how to lead like a man. Meeting girls is a skill and the lack thereof shows when you have been out of the game for awhile. I don’t know her name or number but in the end, regret is a good motivator.

I have a love-hate relationship with chatting up girls on public transport. If you do it right, you’re so cool and godlike. If you do it wrong, you’re harassing people and creepy. It all boils down to balancing the act between showing your intentions while acknowledging the situation, especially late in the evening with little people around (with little people, I mean few people, not people with short legs).

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Here’s my Valentine’s Day gift for you. No chocolate, no roses, no homemade voucher for ten full-body massages, just my reflection on the first year of 69 Dates.

I wrote 29 blog posts. That’s roughly one post every two weeks. Is that a lot? Should I write more? I’m not sure if I’d become a better writer if I’d be spitting out more content. My creative process is that I usually start with one concept/thought/line that pops up in my head after an experience. Then I elaborate on it while writing. Forcing myself to write x posts or words per week will feel like a chore to me. I want to keep this 69 Dates thing fun for myself. The quality of my writing would most likely go down as well.

Even if I wanted to, there’s the problem of inspiration. During the last part of the year, I found it difficult to come up with new content. Fresh stuff, spicy stuff. Is this what they call writer’s block? Maybe it was because I was less focused on dating. If you don’t go out in the field to play, you can’t really get inspired. I noticed that writing is really a muscle. Consistency is key. When writing this post, after a break of two and a half months, the words clearly don’t flow as easily as before. Maybe I should commit myself to a writing schedule after all…

I can see progress in my writing. The content is sharper. The stories are more personal, less generic. My early posts were certainly more filtered and cautious than my later work (I sound like an accomplished author with five published books hehe). I gradually added more of my own voice and dared to take a stand. I care less now about how I come across or if I’m right or wrong. I was too naive to see that everyone is just too busy with themselves anyway.

I went on 13 first dates. That’s roughly one date per month. Is that a number that would impress a socially inept IT guy? Or are alpha males ridiculing me for my low exposure to female companionship? I wish I went on more dates to be honest. Maybe around 20, that’s a good number. Certainly attainable with the right amount of effort, energy and priority. Should I start sacrificing hobby evenings or quality time with friends? Yes, it’s possible to be always “on”. Checking things out at the bus stop (and it’s not the time table), lingering around near the fruit section in the supermarket in search of something sweet and juicy, scanning the club for potential mates instead of dancing, all possible of course. I’m not sure if I want to live that kind of life though. Even though I like going on dates, I’m not always motivated to put in the effort. It comes in waves and depends on other areas in my life. Should I make dating a priority in 2020? Should I let go or loosen up some principles (only first dates, not going on dates for the sake of boosting the number of dates, only dates from the list etc.). I think not but I can definitely be more social, less picky and take more initiative.

I’m still very happy to have started this blog. It feels good to have something you created entirely on your own. I made the right choice to make it as low maintenance as possible. It was a conscious decision to not actively promote the blog. I will continue to walk this path. I want more people to read my writings but I don’t want to focus on the numbers. 

What annoys me is the level of activity of my audience. Be it commenting, liking, subscribing, sharing etc. Not because I want to go viral or I need a lot of validation. For me, it’s about feedback. I have no clue what my readers find about my writing. Which posts were well-written, which are my bad ones? Is it entertaining to read? Is it valuable to people? I don’t know. I heard countless times that my blog is “nice” and that I write well. Thank you but that doesn’t really help me to become a better writer to be honest. I take it as a sign that my work is not good enough and not (yet) worth an effort to engage. But then again, if you watch a Youtube video for example, only a small fraction of the views are comments. Passive consumerism is everywhere. That’s fine.

A year in review wouldn’t be one without a list:

• Best post: #12 Dinner Date | On Pre-checking Your Date (sweet and short, with the right amount of wit and wisdom, reads like a train)
• Weakest post: On Judging People (perfect example of forcing myself to write after a break and not succeeding in delivering a smile or a hmm-haven’t-thought-about-it-like-this)
• Most entertaining post: On The Dance Floor (it was hard to choose one for this category. Almost all posts contain something funny but none were pure entertainment). Bonus: On Top (genius at work)
• Most profound post: On Character (written straight from the heart)
• Most read post: #3 Park Date | On The Speed Of Dating (probably because I went public on my Facebook about 69 Dates after publishing this post)
• Most memorable date: #8 Wedding Date | On Surrendering (the girl, the context)

All in all, I can say that I’ll continue in 2020 as I was doing in 2019. I hope to avoid long writing breaks. I might start adding tags to posts or create new categories to structure the growing amount of posts. I still need to figure out how to boost my dating activities without compromising my integrity.

Chapter 2019, closed.

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We’re approaching the end of a decade. I wouldn’t say that the previous ten years have passed by in flash but certainly the last one did. It almost feels like I rushed through the year. From what I hear, it’s now a period full of festivities with loved and probably a couple of not-so-loved ones. All good but I’m so glad I haven’t seen or heard a soul the last couple of days, except the delivery guy who brought me delicious sushi.

It feels good to just have my laptop on my lap (oh my god, I just realised why a laptop is called a laptop!!! :o) and take a moment to write again. I did some flash reflection (the full reflection will follow later) and I was asking myself if I did enough with my time this year. I’ve achieved things I wanted to achieve, I learnt, I had fun but could that have been more? The eternal question for self-development geeks. Did I spent enough time meeting new people, forging relationships or was I too busy focusing on myself?

You can be intentional about your career (consulting a career coach, searching job boards), having children (going to the pussy doctor, timing the menstrual cycle), buying property (talking with your bank, driving around town), cooking vegan (asking pale-looking people for a recipe), doing charity (introduce Andy to hot interesting, single girls) but when it comes to building (romantic) relationships, then everything has to come naturally. It almost seems like there’s a taboo on this.

A garden will grow full of weeds if it’s not taken care of. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a couple of dandelions too. If you want a blossoming garden full of beautiful flowers, you’ll need to plant them and even illegally hire some Polish dudes to help you dig and fertilise the soil. It takes more effort and on top, now you also have to decided what to do with the freed up space. Now you really need to make up your mind about what you actually like and want. Why make your life harder? But if I hear my peers talk, a lot of them are not truly satisfied with (all) the relationships they’re having now in terms of quantity (feeling lonely) and quality (not being on the same level). Yet they say it’s a very important aspect of their lives.

If someone lives in a rural area complains about not meeting like-minded, cosmopolitan people, then my advice would be to move to a big city and make some sacrifices in other areas of his/her life. Hoping and wanting will not bring hipster events to your doorstep. If you want to meet asian girls, you’ll probably have to go the chilren’s section of clothing stores. I’m not saying you have to go there (please don’t) but it doesn’t hurt to be more intentional in the places you’re visiting or the activities you’re doing. To be honest, I’m not really practicing what I’m preaching as most of the interests I have are overwhelmingly male-dominated.

I’m not saying you need to become desperate and let it become the sole focus in your life but according to me is going with the flow bad advice. The current situation of many is the best proof of that. I hear people say that they are content with their lives but when you go out with them, all you see is them looking around and eyeballing the fuck out of every potential mate. Yes, there are cases where encounters happen by coincidence or via a common group a friends. Perfect. But how often does that happen? Please don’t say “once is enough”… We’re living in an extremely fast-paced world, full of distractions and options. Before you know it, one year passes by. I’d suggest to seize more of those opportunities and live life according to your standards instead of letting life happen to you. Tik tok, tik tok.

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“I see no colours, every human is the same for me” a girl recently told me. I called her out for this crap. She sheepishly admitted her gibberish. You know everyone judges people so why pretend you’re not doing it? Is it really about being an open-minded person or more about pretending to be one? I judge the fuck out of people. It would be a bit stupid to always start from a blank slate but that doesn’t mean that I know it all. When I’m travelling and people ask me where I’m from, of course they are not expecting me to say Belgium. They see an asian-looking dude. That’s just normal behaviour of visually unimpaired people. But, it’s better to keep that mouth spitting arigatos and konichiwas shut next time. And asia is not a country. 

I can’t blame people though. There’s so much you don’t see and know. Even if you try to expand your experiences, horizons and mind as broadly as possible there are still hidden sides of society you’re not aware of. Until you see it with your own eyes. I was on the tram the other day with a very scarcily dressed girl and a tattood, bad boy-looking guy. They got off the same stop like me and we walked in the same direction. They stopped at a house. A senior citizen opened the door and let the hooker in while the pimp stayed outside. It all happened in the middle of the day in a residential neighbourhood, not your average situation you’re expecting. I was not shocked to witness this but I realised that a lot of shit is going on without me even noticing.

There’s only so much your awareness can capture. There’s not always the time and place to go deep in conversations so you make judgments about people. That’s your best bet. Sometimes you’re right, sometimes you’re wrong. You’ll misunderstand, you’ll learn. Cool right? When I tell people about this blog for the first time, almost no one replies with something related to writing, it’s all about the dating and girls part. I try my best to explain the concept and “vision” as much as possible (always stressing the fact that writing is the core) but there’s only so much you can do. People will often misunderstand or judge you anyway. How people perceive you and your actions are outside of your control. So do like me, let the writings do the talking.

Judge like nobody’s watching.

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