Category: Dates (page 1 of 10)

Google has the answer to everything. “What does nomophobia mean?” (fear of having no working mobile phone) “What do you give a dog that has high temperature?” (mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog) “How do you keep the conversation going on a date?” (ask questions like, if you were an animal what would you be?)

Indeed, as a terrible conversationalist, I used to memorise a few of these questions to avoid awkward silences. It saved my ass more than once to avoid total disaster. When I look back now, it definitely feels a bit gimmicky. Nevertheless, a few prepared tricks help those who score a bit lower on the social skills spectrum. It came to a point where I studied palm reading so I could hold the hand of the girl. Girls love that shit. I still see girls putting their zodiac signs on their dating profiles. I even had some potential dates change their mind about me because her astrological sign was apparently not compatible with mine. I put a curse on them using voodoo magic during a shamanic ceremony in a remote Siberian village. Some of the zodiac ladies mysteriously became ugly, one died but I still attended her funeral. Tricks are not part of my arsenal anymore. It’s now only 100% charm, wit and raw masculinity. 

If life is a jungle than the dating life is a zoo. You can’t possibly like every “single” animal. Some look weird, other smell like urine. The zoo is too big to explore from top to bottom anyway. So you need to make choices where to go. See the birds and listen to their songs? Visit the fertile baboons with their swollen, pink butts? Feed the long-legged giraffes? But sometimes you arrive at your preferred section and then the animal is asleep or doesn’t blink an eye when it spots you. Sometimes after some observing and poking with a stick, the creature might be too wild or too boring for your own liking. Sometimes some parts are too crowded and it’s hard to even get a look.

Eventually closing hour approaches. It starts to rain. Your feet hurt. It’s alright my little lamb, just go home and come back another day.

I know you’re all dying to know which animal was our favourite. Well, it was the chimpanzee who was casually pleasuring himself (or was it a her?) with his/her feet

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I’m very happy with my Asian genetics. It contributes to my X factor. It’s the milkshake that brings all the girls to my yard. The 69% discount during sales. The empty seats next to you on a long-distance flight. My genes also make it impossible for me to hide that I had a few drinks. A couple of sips of wine or bubbly and boom, instant Asian flush. It’s my way of getting free make-up.

I never had issues with this actually. The occasional ridicule from others yes, but nothing a whiskey can’t wash away. I have an Aperol Spritz feeling (this means bittersweet) about drinking on dates. I experienced instances where it seems I ended up at a sorority party. Is she here for the free drinks? Do I make her uncomfortable and she needs to calm her nerves? Or was she just thirsty because she ran a marathon on the way? Then there were dates where my humour was for once not the driest thing around the table. Did she go to the dentist earlier and come back with sensitive teeth? Was she savouring every single sip like it were the last drops of alcohol in existence? Or was she just careful not to trigger her inner demons?

Alcohol is indeed some sort of social lubrication. First, it’s comfortable when you have something to hold in your hands in a social situation (totally not referring to the dudes at the edge of the dancefloor nodding their heads to the beat of the music with dumb faces). Second, it’s a conversational topic and always leads to sharing crazy stories stemming from those wild young days. Third, it’s a crutch to get rid of some inhibitions, or for some, to become increasingly annoying. Liquid courage, if you will.

I drink for taste now. Not that I’m a big connoisseur or picky or something. But I don’t feel the need to get smashed or feel tipsy anymore. Yeah, with a few drinks in your system, the lines are a bit punchier, the hihis and hahas a bit louder and the topics a bit spicier. But let’s not forget the hangover.

Also, someone has to make sure the girl makes it safely back home. I’m such a gentleman. Cheers to that.  

I know you’re all dying to know if we put Ronnie “The Rocket” O’Sullivan to shame. Well, we pretty much sucked and probably played the longest sequence without potting a ball in history.

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One of the benefits of forcing yourself and your date to go through a list of date ideas is that you get to experience really cool stuff.  On this volunteering date, we went to a dog shelter. We got to feed the more than two hundred doggos and walked with some of them. The place is kind of overwhelming at first. You can compare it with a touristy souk or mall (Dubai Mall, is that you?). Many things are going on at the same time. Loads of people bumping into you. Countless flashy distractions grabbing your attention. However, when you have a mission (“I need to buy stainless steel bubble tea straws”), it’s manageable. Okay, this isn’t supposed to be a Google review of the dog shelter place. Let’s get back to business.

There are three types of people in the world. Those who love animals: they would bring their pets to a luxurious animal spa, feed them the nectar of gods 6.9 times a day, and go sleep in a cardboard box because inflation is the silent killer and their animals’ unconditional love is simply priceless. The second type are the animal haters: they would kick their friend’s dog when they are alone in the room, fake-smile when someone is showing cute animal pictures while mentally rolling their eyes, and spread poison like it’s bread for ducks. The third type are the neutral ones: they enjoy a steak without much guilt, binge watch in awe different animal documentaries, and feel disgusted when someone is making out with a dog. I’m in this category. I wouldn’t wear a t-shirt with “animals = lyfe” but I got one with a panda wearing boxing gloves.

It has always intrigued me why some people treat animals so well, but not blink an eye when faced with human suffering. My date stuffed her car with newly bought pillows and blankets as well as multiple cartons of dog food. Yes, the doggies will suffer without donations and contributions but so will many people. What is right or wrong, or good or bad is not the point here. People make their own choices for certain reasons and you have to live with it. Someone wants to get married with an unstable person after dating a couple of weeks, what to do. Your friend is complaining about how emotionally unavailable his/her partner is, here we go again. Popping antibiotics again to cure a case of chlamydia, doesn’t matter, had unprotected fun.

Sometimes life is just too short to try to understand it all. It seems futile to attempt to grasp every single chapter of someone’s life history. I feel in some situations a “whatever” is more suited than “I really want to understand you”. Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave.

I know you’re all dying to know what the most splashy moment of the volunteering was. Well, the dog I was walking decided to unleash (leash, you see what I did there hehe) his diarrhoea in front of the main entrance.

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When I meet someone for the first time, my heart rate goes up. Not from the excitement of finally putting a 3D face to the person but from the anxiety of what would appear from below the mask. Mask fishing is a thing. 

The concept is not new. It exists for ages albeit in a different form. Remember the time you saw someone enticing from the back and when you got a look from the front, the person’s face looked like a Shrek-Quasimodo crossover? Or when you introduced yourself to someone at a random event and the voice of that person sounded like a mistuned violin played by a Parkinson’s patient? You tried to not lose balance from the shock and swallowed the “Whaaathaaafuuuuuuuck” you were about to blurt out with wide-open eyes.

Let bygones be bygones. Yes, the face looks a bit funny and artistic. But that doesn’t mean we should run away screaming. Just remember that all art is subjective. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, just not your eye. The question is whether we’re able to recover from the initial surprise and act less disgusted. Luckily, we’re gifted with four more senses that we can use in our interaction. This is blind dating 2.0.

I started a mental health support hotline to help victims of mask fishing. Our team of professionals provide a listening ear and help process the traumatic experience. Do not suffer in silence. Call +69 123 456 9 69 now to talk about it.

I know you’re all dying to know what second-hand gems we discovered and took home. Well, the shop we visited was quite small and so was the attractiveness of the displayed goods.

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There’s the saying that opposites attract. We humans want someone to complement ourselves, to fill in the gaps, to be a versatile team together.  However, this notion was refuted in a very scientific study (Andy et al., 69 Dates, 2021). In this breakthrough inquiry, the brilliant author noticed a disproportionate sample of chickies with identical first name letter(s) in his mating pool. Suffering through countless hours of non-stop rambling of those ladies about the superficial and finer things in the universe, the ingenious scientist distilled that in a few instances, former fornication partners carried the same heavenly vowel as first letter in their names. Sheer brain power and meticulous analysis while wearing a fluffy bath robe lead to the inception of a pioneering conclusion: bath robes are comfy. Also, perhaps we’re attracted to people similar to us.

I can see the human tendency for sticking to the familiar. A lot of dating remains within the same circle of language, nationality, race, socio-economic level, culture etc. Even silly things like name, interest or food preference (giving up pork or exchanging that daily bowl of rice for a low-carb diet…) could play a role. Of course, I spotted countless mixed examples, especially in a city like Dubai, but still. I was about to say that people unconsciously choose resembling partners but that would be cutting corners like consultants do in their conclusion slides. Some factors are a bit more obvious and divisive. Personal preference for similar values, lifestyle and future outlook are almost non-negotiable. Let’s also not forget social circle and family. We live in 2022 but I imagine in some households coming home with a brownie or a Jew might still not be fully accepted (at first) because it’s different and, most likely, unknown.

Similarities might bring us comfort and familiarity but as my date mentioned, it’s a whole new experience when you go for someone outside your usual demographic. You can also officially call yourself open-minded then.

I know you’re all dying to know what we shopped for during this date. Well, she bought a stuffed animal for her little niece.

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