Category: Behind the Scenes (page 4 of 6)

There’s a comedy show called “Story Party”. The concept is that two story tellers share entertaining dating stories and even invite volunteers from the audience to tell their stories. Since the show was passing by in Brussels and it lies in my field of interest, I couldn’t not go. Man, I laughed my ass off. It was quite amusing. They are really good in what they are doing. 

One story was about the hardships of being single. Such as family and friends constantly asking if Mr./Mrs. Right has arrived yet or not. When the answer is negative, it usually ends with a pity reply à la “Ooh, don’t worry. There’s enough fish in the sea. Just focus on yourself and it will come by.”. Usually this crap comes out of the mouth of people who haven’t been active on the dating scene since the time people looked up to the Belgian King. 

The last couple of weeks, I followed the popular advice of living my life, doing my hobbies and the like. So far, no chick has rang my doorbell while reading my pile of books at home, suprisingly. I did not see any female below 50 years old (let alone single and juicy) when I attended seminars on stock investing. It also appears I’m consistently the youngest (at least 20 years of difference, no kidding) and only non-white person in the room. Maybe during sports? Yes, the thai boxing gym is the perfect place to improve my roundhouse kicks ánd to hit (on) sweaty guys. I also registered for a couple of whisky tastings. Probably the most feminine thing I’ll encounter there is the cherry flavored whisky. 

Do you remember the annoying paperclip in Microsoft Word? Well, imagine it popped up now unsolicited, like it always does, and said in a patronising high-pitched voice “Hey, you should then find activities that involve more women.”. No shit, Sherlock. I could join yoga or salsa classes. I could go out multiple times a week and mass approach girls. I could pay a professional photographer to get me some quality pictures to pimp my online dating profile. It would certainly add a lot more blog posts in the “Dates” category. But will this bring me real fulfillment? I guess the answer lies somewhere in the middle of my sense of entitlement and the reality of life.

Opportunites don’t just come knocking at your door. Let it be for work, let it be for finding like-minded people, it takes deliberate effort. If you live in a shitty village, your options are limited. Either you move or you settle for bread crumbs, or a croissant if you’re lucky. If people like bread products, that’s also fine, and you then also need to take the risk of a 6.9% chance of incest coming to fruition. Of course, there are success stories where everything smoothly and beautifully fell into place like the last piece of a puzzle. But that is just a classic example of survivorship bias. However, I know Kenny Bossier succeeded. He’s a hero, let’s be like Kenny.

Btw, the name of the most hated paperclip in the world is “Clippy”.

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Some time ago I attended an event about luv <3. One lovely speaker talked about ghosting, the act of suddenly ceasing all communication without any apparent reason. I don’t remember all the details of that talk anymore but what stuck with me is that ghosting can be both intentionally and unintentionally. Either way, being ghosted is a painful experience. People need closure, people want to know why, and some people have a fragile ego and can’t handle this kind of rejection.

I confess, I have ghosted chicks because I didn’t want to burn bridges or tell them that on second sight, they were too ugly for my taste. Average Joe/Jane would ultrasincerely say “I didn’t feel a connection”. I also ghosted ladies because I was just doing other stuff, had other priorities or just forgot about it. Average Joe/Jane would proudly say “I was busy”.

Of course, I got ghosted myself numerous times. Dating is a number’s game and ghosting is a part of that reality. Unfortunately, this desensitises you. First, you ask yourself if you should fight for it and give it one more go but then you stop caring. It’s like “ooh well, maybe it was not meant to be”, “ooh well, plenty of fish in the sea”, “ooh well, I’ll meet someone new”, “ooh well, she had bad breath anyway”, “ooh well, she doesn’t deserve me” and for misogynic serial killers it ends with “ooh well, all women are feminist whores”. 

Technology fans may have have heard of the term “SaaS”, software as a service, a business model where there is usually a web-based application that is centrally hosted (for example Gmail and Dropbox). In a social setting you can speak of “DaaC”, dating as a commodity, romantic courtship that is consumed in vast quantities at the speed of light like candy bars in an open office space. In the end, you’re not tasting anything anymore, just indulging. Yet you feel so empty.

The solution? Buy less candy? One limited edition gold-coated chocolate bonbon per month? I don’t know. I keep dating fun for myself by going on different date activities. The conversation could be the same but at least the experience will be different each time. It’s never a good start when the bar staff welcomes you and your date with “the usual table in the back with the candle light?”.

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Not so long ago I was driving to work. I was in a one-way street and a taxi in front of me stopped in the middle of the road. The black* taxi driver got out, made an apologetic gesture and disappeared. I thought “What the fuck, I need to go to work bro. You could at least stop in a way so I could pass. Being a taxi driver does not mean you can do everything you want. These road cowboys, always the same.”. I just resisted the urge to apply 69 newton of force (totally scientific explanation: F=m*a. 69N=23kg*3m/s²) to my steering wheel. A couple of seconds later he reappeared from between the parked cars, assisting a visually impaired white* woman. Aah, now I understand, that puts things into perspective. My road rage transformed into love and compassion.

After certain events, some people turn into expert football coaches-analysts, others find a new career in commenting on the art of governing the state. I usually become an amateur-philosopher. I wondered, should I feel bad if I had honked? Was it my responsibility to know what was going to happen? Should I tiptoe through life in order not to offend people? Two red lights later, I made up my mind: Given that you make assumptions on your best judgments and intentions, making assumptions is a good thing. I should not refrain from it. Life is too short to verify everything.

A lot of people who are dating struggle with the question: Does he/she like me? I think the answer should be always a simple yes. You can assume this until you receive feedback otherwise. But what about mixed signals? If you get what you want and you feel good about it, it doesn’t actually matter anymore. Someone who likes you will make it work or at least show the intention.

Assumptions, especially wrong ones, start conversations. Either you go into more detail or you get corrected. Some people will get mad, but that says more about them than yourself. People consistently assume I’m not Belgian (They ask me “Where you from?” but never the white people I’m with.) or that working in the field of HR automatically means you’re recruiting people. Do I start breathing more heavily when I hear this? Yes. Do I get offended because they are assuming this? No. If I see a woman with a shiny diamond ring on her ring finger, I assume she’s engaged or married. I could be wrong of course but so what? You can’t expect everyone to know everything. It’s not your duty to carry the weight of the world. Instead, your duty is to own your wrong assumption or to teach the other person something new.

I’m not saying you should never ask questions to check your beliefs but in a social setting, I think it’s more interesting to assume things about a person than to clinically ask questions, that’s just boring. When someone assumes someting about you, it gives you information on how you’re perceived and how the other person thinks. Also, we’re more afraid to express our candid opinion than to fart in public (except for the silent killers hehe). All for the sake of being so-called open-minded, politically correct and tolerant. Isn’t it just an excuse to avoid being responsible for your own words and dealing with the consequences? We should help people who are overly sensitive and easily offended, an assumption a day keeps the cowardice away!

* Actually the race of the persons didn’t matter at all but by just casually mentioning it, I could give this post an extra societal layer. Yes, I know what you’re thinking: genius at work.

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It was nice.

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What is tougher? Getting rejected or rejecting someone? For me it’s the latter. The more girls I meet, the more I get rejected but at the same time I’m collecting information on what I like and dislike. After a while, you can quickly filter through the would do’s and would nots. I think it’s a trap though. You start treating people like a commodity. As if you’re running a cost-benefit analysis after a date:

Pros (+16)

• Smells nice, hair smells nice too +3
• Very talkative +3
• Juicy ass +4
• Laughs with my jokes. Doesn’t cry when I make fun of her +1
• Determined, has clear vision +5

Cons (-18)

• Phone is glued to her hand -6
• Lives in the middle of nowhere -2
• Doesn’t read books -5
• Vegetarian -2
• Says she loves travel but has only visited Luxembourg (and Costa Rica if you count the Virtual Reality experience she once did) -3

Dear Mrs. Juicy Ass,

Thank you very much for the date. I appreciate you had the courage to come to the big and dangerous city of Brussels, and I enjoyed talking to you. After careful consideration and sleepless nights, I regret to inform you that the decision has been taken from my side to cease any gestures of romantic intent. It’s not you, it’s me. You’re a great girl but it was not meant to be. You deserve someone better than me. I’m afraid I’ll hurt your feelings. I just need to follow my heart. I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavours.

Let me know if you have any remarks or questions!

Cheerio, Andy 

We don’t want this.

It’s very paradoxical. The more you know what you want, the harder it gets. Everybody knows some single people with insane, unrealistic expectations on their list. They love to complain how hard dating life is and that all good guys/girls are taken. After cutting through the noise of hope, promise and projections, in the end, you just want to be happy and feel good with someone. It’s simple as that. You’re responsible for your own hapiness anyway.

There’s also an opportunistic part in me that thinks “maybe not her, but her friends”. I haven’t figured out that part yet. You meet a random girl, you go on a date, there’s no real match. Now usually it ends for me, either I accept her choice or I break contact. I think it’s nice to pull the plug and move on (if possible on a high note). Or I could “remain friends”. And now what? You hang out again one-to-one until you become good friends and invite each other to her/my friends? That’s just weird. Not seeing it right now but maybe I should give it a try…

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