What would you be thinking if you’re about to say yes to someone who has been divorced thrice? Would there be hint of doubt in the back of your mind followed by #YOLO, better go for it otherwise I’ll never find out? Or would you be thinking of your SWOT-analysis and that the pros outweigh the cons? What would the triple separation champion be thinking? “Hopefully the food is better than last three times” “This time, it’s going to be different” “I’m so blessed with this one“
Let’s take someone who has been in six committed relationships in the past nine years. What can you say about this person? Is he/she foolish or brave, lucky or unlucky, mature or irresponsible? A lot of people struggle with finding the right one but apparently this person found The One six times already! Do we applaud the continuous commitment of this serial monogamist or should we worship the calculated casualness of a serial dater? You could argue that it’s not about the quantity but about the quality. If each of these relationships have been enriching and worth it for both parties but for whatever reason it didn’t work out, there isn’t a lot to say right? Or is there, as a real relationship is supposed to last through thick and thin…
I witnessed many stories first-hand and many more second-hand on the onslaught of infidelity, lingering resentment and miserable complaints between couples. Yet people remain together. Is it the fear of being alone, not wanting to lose face to friends and family or avoiding the break-up pain? Maybe it’s something you’re supposed to do? How much effort is healhty and reasonable, when does it become insane and futile? Even if the highs are really high, how low is too low? I guess many people are balancing the act of working for it or making it work, and acknowledging it’s actually a lost cause or not worth it. A little suffering never killed nobody but the should-I-stay-or-should-I go phase is way beyond that. What I’ve heard and seen exceeds pain and hardship. It’s months or maybe years of voluntary emotional trauma, sometimes ending in a therapist’s office or with substance abuse.
I’m wondering if we’re not confusing commitment itself with what (we expect) flows out of commitment. Is commitment the ultimate goal or is it the means to an end? Aren’t we just looking for a companion where we can be ourselves? A safe space away from the crazy world out there, driven by familiarity, tranquility and predictability. Someone who we can depend on, share, explore and create with. Or is this all bullshit and is commitment just not banging someone else? Looking at adultery statistics, it seems it isn’t a very strong basis. Then we haven’t even taken into account the hidden intentions and temptations from an emotional perspective. I have no problem with commitment but if I see how destructive and forceful this commitment stuff is, then it leaves a pretty bleak outlook in the world of dating and relationships. Of course, commitment is also pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows, definitely.
You see people freely using the I love you’s, forevers, bests and other absolutes and superlatives like a chubby kid home alone with a can of whipped cream in the fridge. But what is the value of all this? What is the value of commitment? Is it mainly conforming to societal standards or is there more than this? If so, why does it cause so much trouble and headaches along the way?
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